What does friendship mean to you?
A friend awakens your life in order to free the wild possibilities within you.
I love this quote from Irish poet and philosopher John O’Donohue. Many friends in my life have done exactly this for me: believed in me more than I was able to believe in myself, encouraged me.
So what does friendship mean to you?
Whether we come from a big or small family, we all need friends. Friends are different from family members because they don’t carry the (often heavy) burden of our family conditioning. The value of friendship remains an important constant in my life. It is, I think, because I come from a very small family. From an early age I had to be self-reliant but equally reliant on friends.
We are social beings - interdependent, interconnected, with an intrinsic need to make human connection. Indeed, connection is perhaps the reason why friendships bring such meaning to life and as a consequence, why our mental health* depends upon it.
Illustration by Maurice Sendak
Ralph Waldo Emerson considered friendship the supreme fruit of truth and tenderness, Aristotle the generous act of holding up a mirror to each other, Henry David Thoreau a grand stake for which the game of life may be played and C.S. Lewis one of those things which give value to survival.
In my view, friendship takes as much effort and care as developing and maintaining a healthy intimate relationship. And yet, sometimes, we take – I certainly have done this many times in my life – friends for granted, a bit like family members, thinking they’ll always be there. But of course it’s not like that. While family members remain family members – whether we like it or not – friends can and will walk away.
The dynamic of friendship is almost always underestimated as a constant force in human life: a diminishing circle of friends is the first terrible diagnostic of a life in deep trouble as David Whyte, British poet and writer, says.
Over the years I have learned much from my friends. Friendship requires time and dedication. Friends can’t and don’t want to be squeezed into our life or be taken for granted. Friends – each one of us – want to be trusted and trusting. They also need to be forgiven for their shortcomings, as David Whyte puts it so well: All friendships of any length are based on a continued, mutual forgiveness. Without tolerance and mercy all friendships die.
And yet, forgiveness is one of the most difficult things to master in life because it asks of us to move beyond pride, grudges, hurt. It asks of us to be bigger than our small self, the stirrings of ego or ego clinging. Forgiveness can free us and offers a larger life precisely because of its honest, meaningful and trusting connections.
Photo: Archie Binamira
Friendship is above all the art of allowing the soft light of love to fall upon even our darkest sides. Anne Lamott, American novelist.
Friendship has been an integral part of human life for eternity.
Some 2600 years ago, the Buddha listed seven qualities that characterise a friend. He went as far as to say that friendship was the whole of the spiritual life.
This rings true for me.
1. Friends give what is hard to give.
2. They do what is hard to do.
3. They endure what is hard to endure.
4. They reveal their secrets to you (they trust you).
5. They keep your secrets, (i.e. you trust them).
6. They don't abandon you, when misfortunes strike.
7. They don’t look down on you, when you're down and out.
So, what does friendship mean to you? I would love you to share your thoughts with me.
If you are willing, do send me some of your thoughts, your first name and location.
In my next blog I will be exploring questions such as:
· Who are your friends?
· What helps us trust our friends?
· What is a good friend and what is it not?
· How do we maintain friendship?
· What makes a friendship meaningful?
Photo: Sam Manns
If you need some help exploring friendships in your life, please free free to book an initial complimentary coaching conversation with me. You can book an initial and coaching while walking session with me in Victoria park, East London, or online.
*The loneliness and mental health report, Mental Health Foundation, 2010