Do you sometimes feel lonely?
It’s important to treat feeling lonely as any other human feeling, there is nothing to feel embarrassed or shameful about.
This week is Loneliness Awareness Week (12 – 18 June). An opportunity to talk about loneliness. The more we talk about it, the more we can help ourselves and others.
It’s not always easy to say ‘I feel lonely’. This is certainly the case for me. There is a lot of stigma around loneliness, particularly in the age of social media, which gives the impression that everyone feels connected and has many friends. It’s not like that.
We are social beings and we know from research that personal, face-to-face connection is the number one human need and therefore vital to our wellbeing. No amount of virtual friends can fulfil this need.
A recent study by the University College London showed that people aged 16-24 are now the most likely group to be affected by loneliness, while women and people from ethnic minorities were amongst the groups most affected by loneliness during the pandemic. What’s more, 45% of adults in England (25 million people) say they feel occasionally, sometimes or often lonely (Statistics: ONS, UCL Covid-19 Social Study and Campaign To End Loneliness).
Despite its most frequent definition, loneliness may have very little to do with being on one’s own (alone), or having few friends.
Loneliness is not social isolation, it is feeling socially isolated (alone in the crowd), which comes from lacking close connection to another person and/or to ourselves.
Matters get progressively worse when we then, on top of this, self-stigmatise and feel embarrassed about feeling lonely.
Growing up, I often felt lonely. And even now, at 55, I have moments when I feel lonely. This happens when I don’t share what’s going on for me with close friends, I hold back and I get on with it - something I learned to do as a child. What I most needed then was to say that I wasn’t ok, that I was upset or anxious. Today, I’m more able to make myself vulnerable, to talk about my feelings. This connects me back to myself and as a result to others too.
Feeling lonely can be caused by different things:
● We can feel lonely because we have moved to a different place and don’t know anyone yet or because we lost our job or our relationship ended or we fell out with a dear friend or lost a loved one.
● We can feel lonely at work because we don’t feel we belong due to not getting the right level of connection with our peers and line-manager.
● We can also feel lonely in a relationship or in our family because we don’t feel heard and understood.
● We can feel lonely in a group of friends because we are more introverted (which is also not a bad thing; it’s just who we are) and we don’t find it easy to bring ourselves in and speak up.
Photo by Damla Karaağaçlı
I have learned over the years that it’s important to stay in connection with my wider life. When I feel lonely, my life can feel small and narrow. If I’m not careful, ‘feeling lonely’ becomes all of me which is not true. So in moments of loneliness, I remember to stay connected to my wider life: I name the friends I have, I think of the things I love doing and do me good, I remember the small, enjoyable and abundant moments in my week.
But the best thing for me when I feel lonely is to share it with someone I trust. When I do, I instantly feel less lonely because I accept my feelings as they are, I’m in touch with my emotions (vs pushing them away) and open about it to another person. This is hugely connecting. So it’s important to treat feeling lonely as any other human feeling. There is nothing to feel embarrassed or shameful about.
Recently, I talked with a close friend about feeling lonely sometimes and how much I was missing spontaneous phone calls with friends. These days it doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Everything seems to happen via WhatsApp. These spontaneous short chats allowed me to feel more in a friend’s day-to-day life. It felt connecting.
My friend said that she felt the same, so we decided to have spontaneous phone calls. I feel excited about it and also a little anxious because it means taking a risk. My friend may not pick up or say that she hasn’t got time. But the rewards by far outweigh any ‘risk’.
In my research on loneliness, I came across The Marmalade Trust (https://www.marmaladetrust.org/), a UK loneliness charity dedicated to raise awareness of loneliness and to empower people to make connections.
You might also like to read my two blogs on friendship:
Who are your friends?
What does friendship mean to you?
Finally, if you’d like to talk about your feelings of loneliness in a safe space, feel free to book an initial complimentary conversation with me.